Come Play In The Kitchen!

I don’t think there are too many things in this world that really get me down anymore. I attribute that to embracing a heart posture that more often than not is overflowing with gratitude for what God has done for me, and that ultimately translates to a deep-seated joy that is not easily robbed. I mean, I won’t say “never”. But as I grow both in age and in my relationship with the Lord, it is not as easy for the enemy to steal my joy. And I think that, while that doesn’t mean I have “arrived” and somehow achieved some kind of pinnacle so that I have permission to stop trying to be the best version of me the Creator, well, created — it does mean that I can usually find some kind of peace in my circumstances. Again — not always. There are those times where life is just thrusting challenges from all sides (sign — the not so joyful part of middle age…where you’re in the middle of so many things!) I mean, aside from my own health issues (which I am usually more hesitant to even share anymore), my father-in-law’s health started declining quite rapidly. I saw him mid-March, and by the time I saw him mid-May he was definitely changed. We still don’t know what’s wrong. God bless my sister-in-law for having the ability to stay with him while we try to figure things out — because Les just doesn’t have the ability to do that, and I’m not in good enough health to be helpful. Which is discouraging. Because on the other side of things, my beloved sister is experiencing her own health crisis and I can’t even commit to being there for her. Meanwhile, we have some young adults making some very not-great choices, some home repairs that have been neglected to the point that now they can no longer be put off, and just the normal tension that comes when living and being in relationship with anyone other than your own self because you’re dealing with different hearts, minds, souls and spirits that may or may not share the 100% exact same dreams/visions/goals/feelings/emotions/priorities/definitions/expectations/understandings that you do. So. Middle age…Another thing, like parenting, that is so NOT for the feint of heart.

In the middle of all this, I choose to cling to the joy I can find anywhere. I remind myself daily — sometimes even minute by minute — of all the ways I have been blessed. Sometimes I am just thankful I woke up to live a new day. Sometimes I notice the birdsong outside my bedroom window. The other day I took a moment to chat with my chickens when I fed and refreshed their water, thanking them for the sole egg laid. Some of those girls are slacking(!) but I thanked them anyway! Today I enjoyed some peaceful time outside on my porch, enjoying the sunshine and comfortable-to-me weather. Little things. Things that can uplift. Refresh. Give new perspective. A clean white embroidered linen napkin. A china teacup painted with delicate purple flowers. A watercolor bookmark I actually created myself from a tutorial online. A small piece of luxuriously rich dark chocolate. A refreshing glass of cold tea-lemonade (aka “Arnold Palmer”). A cozy blanket. Cuddling with my sweet cat, Sugar, purring on my lap and relishing me with little kitty-kisses on my hand as I stroke her silky fur. The smell of lilacs wafting onto the porch. The musical, and sometimes ornery, giggles of my two preschool-aged granddaughters. An engaging book. A text message received from a friend. A much-needed phone call. A Scripture passage.

While I find the most joy in practicing the art of gratitude and remembering the ultimate Giver of all good gifts, I must say that one way I find a lot of satisfaction in being joyful is when I’ve achieved something. I don’t always really know what gifts I really have, what things are just the result of tedious practice, or simply just beginner’s luck. Sometimes I am amazed when I go back and take in the finished product — whether it be a poem or story or devotional I was writing (sometimes even my notes astonish me, especially regarding Bible studies), a recording of a thought or a prayer or a song I’ve composed, a watercolor bookmark or a drawing, or most frequently a recipe I’ve conquered. I think, for myself anyway, that I never feel like I’m an expert at much. That I’m only just dabbling without any real accomplishment. But there are those rare times I master something — likely a recipe, and more often than not it is a dessert or confection or baked good — where I find myself marveling at the joy of being able to say I did it. That I achieved it. That I figured it out.

This has been my experience with three different things in particular. They may sound so trivial, but to me each experience blessed me so very much in the ability to accomplish and achieve it. The first was years ago. Les and I had trouble with the washer and dryer. I am pretty sure it might have been when we lost a majority of our brand-new appliances to the flooding in our basement as a result of Hurricane/Tropical Storm Sandy. I guess she started as a hurricane but by the time she made it up to our little town in Pennsylvania, she was “merely” a storm. Still — the yard flooded, the basement flooded, the roof was leaking, we lost the washer and dryer, and both of my bartlett pear trees wholly uprooted because the ground was so saturated with water. There was just no place for it to go. Well with a family of eight you just can’t skip out on doing the laundry. So we hauled the wash to a kinda sorta nearby laundromat in town, After doing a lot of sorting and finally loading several washers, we had a bit of a wait before we could transfer anything to the dryers. I’ve since learned to take a book to read or a book of puzzles with me when the laundromat is necessary. We walked several doors up to a little restaurant that was along the main street and had a quick supper. But they had this really interesting dessert called a pumpkin buckle I wanted to try. I’d never had any kind of “buckle” before, but it was really delicious. With a buckle you kind of make the dough and the filling and pour them in the pan and they reverse, or “buckle” while baking so that they are usually flipped around. Ah the science of baking (that I probably didn’t even explain correctly). I was determined to try to recreate it at home. It was a bit different from normal recipes I found in later years because the top had some kind of crunch. I don’t even know how I got it to turn out, because since that time thanks to the amazing research capabilities of the internet I’ve found many similar recipes. But whatever I did to mine back then was exactly spot-on with the one in the restaurant, and though I’ve come close to recreating it a few times with the online recipes I’ve found, that was the only time it was 100% the same. I cannot even begin to tell you how joyful I was that I made that seemingly simple dessert exactly as it had tasted. I mean, at the restaurant I took my time savoring every bite to try to figure it out. Les even left me there to go throw clothes in the dryer and come back! I am pretty sure over the years since then, and after many trials, the secret to recreating that pumpkin buckle was the specific spice combination (which was not “just” a normal pumpkin pie spice) and the kind of crumbly-crunchy topping. I don’t know for sure. I can’t wait til fall to try it out again (because I make my own fresh pumpkin puree) and see if my notes from the last time yield any more help. But that one time — I did it!

So earlier I mentioned my beloved sister. She is my only sibling, and though we have had rough patches off and on over the years as siblings often do, I really enjoy her company. We have discovered that though we still have many differences, we also have a lot of shared interests. (Baking isn’t really one of them, to the dismay of my brother-in-law). She is compassionate, nurturing, thoughtful, and encouraging. And brutally honest, though tactful. She won’t tell me she likes something I did/made/baked just to make me feel good about myself. I don’t know if she feels she needs to torment me because she is younger or what, but she won’t give credit where it is not deserved. And to be honest, that’s one of the things that is so refreshing about her. I know I can ask her opinion, and she will tell me what she really thinks. She won’t sugar-coat things, she won’t lie. She knows we don’t always agree on things or see eye-to-eye. And at the end of the day everyone needs someone like that in their life — someone who can love you enough to tell you the truth. And sometimes that’s just hard or awkward. Especially for me. I had carried a huge — I mean, ginormous — fear of rejection with me a good portion of my life and that made me a people-pleaser. I was always afraid of my feelings getting hurt, but I was also afraid of not doing or being enough for anyone. Constructive criticism was really hard to hear a lot because I equated it with the fact that I was not good enough, rather than that there were things I could improve upon. It made a large part of my life a battle of walking on eggshells or not trying anything. So you can imagine my nerves when I took a Christmas cookie platter to my sister and brother-in-law. My brother-in-law usually likes my cookies and I bake for him every time I know in advance that I’m going to see him. Baking, to me, is an act of love and a ministry of hospitality. I don’t always know how it might or might not be blessing others, but I often feel so fulfilled when I am able to take along a dessert or something to gatherings just as a blessing and not for any accolades or recognition. It is truly a love-language with me, and if I’m bringing, making or offering to make you something, it’s because I care about you and I want to bless you. Some people say “no thank you” for whatever reason – diets, allergies, or whatever. I try not to be offended because I know everyone’s taste is different and if I made chocolate chip cookies and you hate chocolate or have a gluten allergy I didn’t know about, I assure you that first it wasn’t intentional of me to make something you wouldn’t enjoy, but I also understand. I used to take the declining of my offering as a form of rejection. But since I found freedom in the Lord I am much better at realizing that the gift is about being willing to give what you can in obedience to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes He just wants to know you’re willing. And sometimes there are just things not in your control or that you don’t know ahead of time. So. But I had taken a class to learn to make French macarons (absolutely NOT to be confused with coconut macaroons, which are different altogether, although both are typically made with egg whites). I had some on my cookie platter and I was so proud of them because not only were the tops not cracked but the macarons had the traditional “feet” and the filling was evenly spaced. They honestly looked like I had purchased them. My sister didn’t eat any while I was there so I had no idea how she liked them. I was still elated that they had turned out though. About a month or two later, she and my brother-in-law were taking their annual vacation. They would take a cruise down to some of the islands after Christmas in the winter months, when my brother-in-law isn’t as busy at work and when it is cold in New Jersey (where they live). They went down to a famous southern town to board. My sister called after her cruise. She said they had been in a very professional little pastry shop the day before their ship left port, and she had seen some macarons. She purchased a few to enjoy while there. Imagine my surprise when she told me that mine were so much better than the ones she’d had, not in just appearance and texture, but also the taste. I was elated. I do not count myself as a professional by far, even though I do now have a small baking business. I may have some capabilities in the kitchen, but I never feel like I make things better than “professionals”. And yet whenever I think of macarons I still feel so much joy in that small compliment, because I know she wasn’t saying it as an afterthought at the time she tasted one from the cookie platter or that she was just trying to make me feel better (as it had been weeks since I’d seen her}. It was sincere and soooooo appreciated. And it brings a smile to my face to know that, even if I never ever make a perfect macaron again (because a lot can go wrong during the process!), I nailed them that one time and my sister was the recipient of my successful effort.

Well, back to Christmas cookie platters and my brother-in-law. He is a hard worker, and on top of his regular job he serves the community as a volunteer with the local fire department. But he is also quite a character. He’s got an interesting sense of humor and he can be a bit ornery. I don’t know if it’s the Italian in him or what. But he is always fun to hang around with and talk to, and I’m really glad my sister ended up with someone who really loves her and shows it in the little things (even when it can frustrate her). She is truly blessed in that way. His mother was so good to my sister, and I always appreciated that too. They were married later in life after both had been through other rocky relationships and so his mother’s kindness meant so much. She also had a keen sense of humor and I was really glad I got to know her a little before she passed away. One year not too terribly long ago after most of my kids were grown and gone and I think I was just still homeschooling the youngest, my brother-in-law asked me if I could make this Christmas cookie his mom used to make for him. Homeschooling year-round gave me the flexibility to take the entire time off from right before Thanksgiving through New Year’s (although some activities and other projects we did were legally and legitimately credited for school hours). It offered me time to get holiday crafting and baking done though. Now my brother-in-law didn’t have a name for that recipe, just that it was a cookie that was a traditional Italian cookie and maybe had some figs in the middle. Soooo not a lot to go on as far as figuring out what in the world he was talking about. He said it was one of his favorites she always made and that he remembered her rolling the filling up in the dough. My ethnicity is not Italian, and my one grandmother didn’t really bake at all (unless you count taking a “Sara-Lee” or “Pepperidge Farm” dessert out of the box), so I was not quite sure how to go about looking for that cookie. But I came upon a recipe that seemed like it might be what he was describing. Although when I asked if the cookie he remembered had some of the ingredients in many traditional recipes I found, his response was usually “no” or “I don’t think so”. It was kind of cool, though to experiment with a few old country recipes and I thought I finally might have found the one he remembered. I was so excited to take down the Christmas cookie platter that year. When I unveiled it he spotted them right away and grabbed one to taste. It was exactly the right cookie! I was filled with so much joy at having not only found but successfully created the exact thing he’d been missing. That achievement was worth all the testing and trial and error to get the final result to be just right.

Here is a recipe for you to try. If I can accomplish it, you can too!! https://www.italianrecipebook.com/cuccidati-italian-fig-cookies/#recipe

I think because baking is often my happy place, most of my joy comes through the achievement of having “done it” — found the right ingredients by taste, the right recipe by research and trial and error, the correctly executed final product by making it as often as necessary. I continue to challenge myself with recipes and techniques that offer a result that not only can I be proud of, but that can bless someone else and hopefully brighten their day. For the month of June, I’ve decided to challenge myself in the art of French pastry. I am not sure where, exactly, I will start, but I am hopeful I can celebrate the joy of achievement in the next few weeks. I can’t wait to hopefully share some amazing recipes. Meanwhile, friends — what achievements bring you joy? (They don’t have to be kitchen related!) And most importantly — how will you be playing in your kitchen this month??